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Am I even allowed to feel like this?

So he's going on a business trip for a week.


The last time he went I was in my home country for 3 weeks, he was away for 2. I left 5 days after he did and when I came back he was here. There was a certain comfort in knowing I would see him when I came back. I was thankful that I didn't have to wait for him to come back and that I was able to see him the following day.


But this time, I'm the one who has to do the waiting. And I hate it! I keep telling myself it's just a week it will go by very quickly. But it feels like forever.


Am I even allowed to feel like this? It's been 7 months since we stopped dating and I hoped by now I wouldn't care as much, or I wouldn't feel the same intensity as I did.


Ever since I've known him, every time he flew somewhere, whether it was a holiday, visiting family, or a business trip, I had asked him for his flight details - before our relationship started, during, AND after.


This is the first time I didn't but yesterday morning we were driving on our way to work and it was just the two of us, we were talking about the trip and I asked him what time is the flight, and then where is he landing, and then which airport he is leaving from. And he gave me that look of "You're not asking for the boarding pass but you indirectly are".


He said I can send them to you if you want but by that time I had already found the details online. I have an app that shows all flights happening and lists all the details. It also allows you to see the plane's activity throughout the entire flight.


I know it sounds creepy but I won't be able to rest until I know he landed safely. It's always been like that with him.


The last time he went I didn't wish him a safe flight and he messaged me willingly that he landed. I didn't drive him back home yesterday cause he went out with his friend but he asked me to message him when I reach him and I told him I will if he messages me when he lands tomorrow. And he said he will.


This morning I saw him again to give him back his car. He looked so happy. He asked if I was okay and like always I said yes even though I wasn't. I am grateful that I got another chance to see him before he leaves but I am also sad that he's leaving.


As he got in the car he said "I'll see you and I'll message you" and then he left.

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